Whew. I'm exhausted. I'm overwhelmed. I feel like I can't keep up. I think I need some help already, but I don't even know what kind of help. There's not all that much to do, I guess, and we should have at least the next 3 weeks to get it done, but still! Three weeks has a way of flying by, especially when you have other shit you have to do three evenings out of a week. Well, that was only this week. But still.
People at Mike's work have been unbelievably generous with hand-me-down stuff. In fact, one of the boxes he got yesterday was HUGE, and a good bit of the stuff inside was brand new with tags!! They gave us several brand new hooded baby bath towels, and a bunch of used ones, and a bunch of new clothes and a bunch of used ones, and even some new toys! And one of the new with tags clothing items was none other than a Steeler onesie. Mike was beaming. And in the more useful department, there were tons of receiving blankets and burp cloths and just rags and stuff that I know you need so many of. So I'm thrilled to have all this stuff. But, now it's all over the dining room, and I have to decide what to wash and put away, and what to leave in storage until we meet the little bugger. (Lots of the new clothes are decidedly boy clothes.)
We don't have a bag for the hospital yet. We don't have a crib matress pad yet. (I did put a sheet on the new crib mattress, though, so I could see it all put together, and I put foil down to scare the cats from using the crib.) We don't have a cover on the changing pad yet. We don't have a stroller yet. We don't have anything to give the baby a bath, but I'm not sure if you're allowed to give it a bath before the umbilicical cord heals. ??? I hope someone tells me before I take it home. I'm sure we'll figure it out.
We do have: 4 kinds of diapers to work with until we choose a favorite, 3 kinds of wipes, baby bath, baby lotion, baby powder, diaper rash cream, clothes, clothes, and more clothes, and a boppy for feeding. Mike is stressing about what will happen if for some reason the whole breastfeeding thing won't work. Perhaps this is naive of me, but there is no doubt in my mind that it'll be fine. But I guess we'll have to wait and see. You never know. But he's wanting to have some formula in the house just in case. I'm wanting to not set myself up for failure.
Speaking of, a very small part of me is terrified about nursing. Most of me really looks forward to it, but the other part of me thinks the first week will be an exercise in misery and I'll cry constantly as I try to figure it out. I can't imagine the embarassment of trying to learn, and I'm nervous about that. At least it'll just be us, and I know that by the time this baby gets out of my body in all its beauty and nastiness, there will be absolutely nothing that could possibly embarass me in front of Mike. But I feel like I'll be embarassed for myself. Even when you're completely alone, and there's no one to see you be gross, you can gross yourself out.
But what about everyone else? I don't think I would even feel comfortable in front of my sister, who's closer to me than pretty much anyone in the world. I don't know how my older sister, Becca, did it. Of course, by the time I saw her nursing, she had a month of so of practice. I don't know how the first week or two was for her. Plus, she was pretty open about the whole thing. If you were in the room, you were seeing her nipple, and that was that. If you didn't want to see it, you could leave the room. (Please bear in mind that I mean in her own house, NOT in public.) Her living room was like boobie central! And it didn't bother me. (I don't even think it bothered Mike.) But I don't think I could do that in front of my dad like she did, or in front of other relatives. But I also don't want to feel like I have to go hide in my own house every time the baby wants to eat for the next year of my life. So I'm not sure how we'll work that out. I'm just hoping that by the time there are guests in the house, I'll have the subtlies of nursing worked out, and there won't be milk running down my belly, and I'll be able to keep a shirt or blanket tastefully draped over us, and it'll be okay. But I am having serious anxiety issues about it (see previous post for more on anxiety.)
Back to feeling overwhelmed: this is a lot like what I expected my whole pregnancy to feel like. I thought I'd feel stressed by all the change and by financial concerns and by hormones. But up until these last few days and weeks, I was perfectly fine! And I'm suddenly feeling, well, maybe sad? It's not that I feel sad about what we're going to do, and I'm thrilled about it, but I feel stressed and I've pretty much been on the verge of tears at all times. It's exhausting to feel like you could cry at a moment's notice all the time. And Mike keeps asking me if I'm okay, because I just look "sad." So perhaps I am sad. Or scared. Or just exhausted. But whatever it is, I'm tired of it and I'm ready for the next step.
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