Another day, another doubt

I am worried about baby again. I remember so clearly in the beginning worrying about whether or not the baby was even in there, and then I worried if its heart would just stop beating, and then I worried about when I would feel it move. And then I had a couple of months that were just plain delightful! The baby reminded me every day, many times throughout the day, that it was there, rolling around, having a grand ol' time. And I didn't worry about whether it was going correctly--I was very confident that everything was just fine. What sheer pleasure I got from watching my belly dance, watching the baby poke and prod, trying to get comfortable.

And now, all of a sudden, my worries have been turned back on like a switch. I have read that I'm supposed to feel baby less because it's running out of room in there! Gone are the days of baby frolicking through my uterus. Now it's just jammed in, probably trying to get the crook out of its neck. And I have 3 major worries. In no particular order:

• Is it in the right position?? I know that it shouldn't matter, and Mike keeps comforting me, assuring me that the baby knows how to get into position, but some babies don't know, or they can't get themselves there because all of a sudden one day, they're just too big to turn over anymore! And even though I think it's head down, how can I really know? There is a huge hard lump that can most often be found within 3 or 4 inches of my belly button. With luck, that's its little butt, and the head is squished down south. But what if that's its head by my belly button? Or what if that's a shoulder or something? What irritates me is that this concern could very easily be answered with a quick peek at a sonogram, but I'm not allowed to have one. Well, I've not asked to have one, but I know they'd say no, and not to worry about it. But I worry about it. I've also had some nights when the baby is pushing off SO hard on my right side, I think a foot will pop out of my belly. And seriously, it's pushing so hard, it's like it HAS to be laying in there sideways. And so I'm terrified that the baby is transverse, and that it'll never be able to get head down, and I'll have to have a cesarean. And again, all I need to make this fear go away is a quick peek inside. I'm tired of the doctor palpating my lower abdomen, and mumbling, "Uh, yeah, sure, that's probably head. Sure." Uh, probably?!? Could we find out, please?
• Why does it not move for so long? I know I'm supposed to feel less movement. I know. But sometimes I'll feel like hours have gone by and I haven't felt it. I'm probably just not paying attention, but once I realize it's been a while, I pay close attention. And then when I finally feel the slightest movement, it actually scares me more... And this is where it gets kind of crazy. I know this is delusional. But I can't help it. The thought keeps recurring, and it really really really upsets me, but I worry that the movements I feel are actually the baby struggling, trying to move itself because it's stuck in a dangerous position, or that it's being strangled by its own umbilical cord. I've feared that the very subtle jerks I feel are even rigor mortis or something sick like that. I'm so terribly scared that something will happen to the baby because it's too big to just float around fearlessly now. I mean, what if the cord really was wrapped around its neck??? What if it was stuck like that and struggling to get free? Last night as I lay in bed for an hour, trying to get back to sleep, I felt the baby moving vigorously, but in a weird pattern that was probably hiccups. But these were huge hiccups! These were not the cute little ones I used to feel; these were like Happy 21st Birthday I'm-going-to-throw-up-the-14-shots-and-8-beers-now hiccups. But I lay there, agonizing about whether these were actually desperate cries for help, or the baby writhing in pain or trying to get free, and even though I knew I was being psycho, I couldn't get the thought out of my head.
• And my final worry, that has only begun in the last 2 days, and I haven't confessed it to anyone: I'm just scared that something, anything, will happen to the baby. It's completely and totally officially our baby, and it's like a real baby now, since I know it could live on its own, and it has lots of outfits and stuffed animals and books waiting for it at home. It's not just a fetus. It's not even an investment of time and energy that I don't want to waste. It's my baby, my child. It depends on me to protect it, and if I don't keep it safe for the next 4 weeks, or if I allow it to be choked by its umbilical cord, or if my membranes rupture and its head descends and cuts off its own blood supply through the cord, or if during childbirth it doesn't get air or blood or I don't know... if it just breaks somehow, I will feel like it's my fault, and I feel absolutely positive that I would be beyond inconsolable. I think I might go completely crazy. I've made myself cry in bed at night, thinking of having to come home from the hospital without our baby. I know that people with good prenatal care don't typically lose babies during childbirth, but it happens. Sometimes there is nothing that anyone can do to anticipate a problem, and sometimes babies just don't come out healthy. We still have no guarantee that our baby doesn't have spina bifida, or mental retardation, or only one arm, or whatever. But I can totally live with any of those things. But what if it has something so terrible that it can't live outside of me? What if its lungs don't work? What if its heart can't pump enough blood? What if its liver doesn't function?

And there you have it. I suppose once we get a healthy baby out of me, I will go on to worrying about every other terrible thing that could possibly happen to baby. But I made a promise to myself a long time ago, and I know that this is just me and it will come naturally, but I absolutely refuse to raise my baby in fear. I will not fear every little thing and try to protect my baby from anything that may come its way. But DAMN, that's going to be hard.

Just for fun, check out this safety equipment I could buy, if I were a sucker and bought into the fear. Cool! I could use one of these for myself.