Biology fail

Anna is quite the budding scientist. Due in no small part to science shows on PBS, she makes hypotheses, observations and conclusions about things all the time. For a 4 1/2 year old, she is so thoughtful, insightful and clever. Which makes this morning's conversation all the more dumbfounding.

On this Monday after Thanksgiving, for the first time ever, Mike took the day off work and went hunting. He left very early in the morning, hours before sunrise. He had told the girls while putting them to bed last night that he would be hunting today, and he deliberately told me that they understood hunting as going out "looking for deer." He did not address what he would do if and when he "found" one. He wasn't sure how to talk about it, and I'm glad. I wouldn't know how to talk about it, either. So I knew to just play along, that Daddy was out looking for deer.

I think it is worth mentioning that Mike and I neglected to consider other evidence Anna has been gathering in that little brain of hers. She has seen plenty of mounted deer heads. And just yesterday, we stopped by Cabela's for hunting gloves, and of course she saw more heads and stuffed animals than one can imagine. I talked with her about the animals we were seeing, explaining that they are real animals, who used to be alive, but are now dead, but they are real and that's really how big they are, and so on. She (thankfully) did not ask how they died. Or maybe she did and I just shrugged it off. "I don't know!," I cheerfully chirp when I don't know how to answer something, or I just don't want her to know the answer. Also of note, in the parking lot of Cabela's, there was a huge table like you'd see at a Farmer's Market, except instead of having boxes of homegrown tomatoes and beets, they had boxes of antlers. Big antlers, little antlers, HUGE antlers. I commented to Mike as soon as I saw it, "That's lame! Who would buy antlers that someone else got?! Are they just trying to make themselves feel good?" And he explained that they're not for display or to make others think you got them--they are for attracting other male deer. You bang them together out in the woods, and when a buck hears other males fighting, he comes by to get in on the action. Ugh. The girls seemed interested in the boxes and boxes of antlers, but not disgusted by them, like I was. We just walked past, giving them little thought or attention.

It is also worth noting that Anna apparently understands that male deer, or Daddies, have antlers and female deer, or Mommies, don't.

So this morning, as both girls climbed into my bed and snuggled up against me, Emmy asked, "Where Daddy?!" So I simply answered, "Remember, Daddy went hunting. He left very early this morning." And the conversation quickly got uncomfortable.

Anna: Yeah, Emmy, hunting means that Daddy is out looking for deer.

Me: That's right.

Anna: I've been wondering how he's going to get the antlers off when he finds one.

Me: ...

Anna: Yeah, I've been wondering how he's going to get the antlers off the Daddies and make more Mommy deer.

Notice that she is not asking me directly, but hoping that I am going to offer an explanation. She wouldn't make eye contact, and I think she sensed that she didn't want to know the answer, but hoped I would volunteer something comforting.

Me: ...

Notice that I do not take the opportunity to explain that Daddy deer cannot just become Mommy deer by losing their antlers. Because I have no better explanation of why her father is out trying to score some antlers. This fundamentally flawed biological concept is good enough for me!

Anna: I've really been wondering about that...

Me: (chipper) I don't know! You'll have to ask Daddy when he comes home!

Redeemed

We did get Anna a birthday present when she turned 4! A leotard and ballet slippers. Whew!

Thank god for Amazon's seemingly endless tracking of my purchasing history.

Unmerry Christmas

Some blogs I've been reading lately have got me thinking about Christmas. And gifts. And gift lists. I have such conflicting feelings about gift lists. And that's probably because I have conflicting feelings about gifts.

Mike and I are not big gifters. We don't exchange gifts for Mother's/Father's Day, our anniversary, Valentine's Day, or any other made-up holiday. We didn't exchange gifts when we got married. It had never even really occurred to me--as if we weren't spending enough money on the event as it was! But we (gasp!) don't even buy our kids birthday presents. I mean, we have done something special for them since they were old enough to know... they each got a goldfish when they turned 3. Gosh, I cannot recall for the life of me what we got Anna (if?!) when she turned 4. For Emmy's birthday this year, her GGMa sent $30 to be spent specifically on a toy or gift for her, so we had the pleasure of buying ONE toy and giving it to her, though we made it clear that it was from her GGMa. But our kids just don't need any toys. They really don't. I really don't want to buy toys. And they get enough gifts from their grandparents and relatives that their birthdays are special. Receiving 4 or 5 presents is PLENTY for a 3- or 4-year old, if you ask me.

This is going to make me sound unappreciative, but I have a generally icky feeling about gifts. Getting them. Giving them. I feel that they are given out of obligation, not desire, and they are received out of obligation, not desire. I feel our culture's consumerism has made giving gifts an impersonal formality. I give you something, you give me something, there, we are even. Shew! Neither of us really needed what we received, and neither of us really needed to spend the money on what we gave. But, it is CHRISTMAS! We must purchase things! And receive things! And LOVE everything!

But, I realize that Christmas is really exciting for the kids. I want it to be exciting. I want it to be magical. I am struggling with finding a way to make it more magical than lucrative for them.

I don't know how to do the Santa Claus thing, exactly. I think Santa should only bring a few items for each child. Last year, we had Santa leave a few things, and then they each got a special gift from each of us. It was so.... lame. It wasn't even remotely magical. It was just the four of us, and the girls got their stuff, and the stuff was promptly tossed aside, and then, I don't know, they probably asked to watch Barney.

But I like that they aren't easily impressed by stuff! So the real gift to them would be the gift of time. Of doing something together. But Santa can't bring "time with Mommy" and leave it under the tree. But, I am leaning towards getting something for each of them that they can do with Mommy, like knitting! Or, in Anna's case, a potholder loop and loom set? Some kind of craft--aren't there hook rug kits? Or something! And I haven't figured it out for Emmy yet. But I will.

But. This brings me back to lists. My parents, my sisters, my in-laws, and my grandmother have all started asking what the kids want. And their grandparents get each of them 4 or 5 things alone! And then aunts and uncles and great-grandmothers, and what they end up with is a huge mountain of booty. More toys that will barely be played with. More videos that WILL be watched, much to my dismay. More stuff. That I have to lug home and put away. (See? I sound monstrously unappreciative!) But I have a really hard time coming up with ideas for things to get the girls. And I would like to get them gifts from myself and Mike, and from Santa. If I tell all of these people all of my ideas, what am I supposed to get for my kids?!

AND, I don't particularly WANT my kids getting all this stuff. It teaches them really bad habits, sends lousy messages of consumerism. I want them to appreciate non-stuff. But I don't know how to do that. I feel they are old enough to purchase toys for charity, and I really really really hope to do that this year (and yet for the past two years I have failed to get anything to any charity before the deadlines, which seem so early!) But they are not old enough to go work in a soup kitchen. I assume. I have never done it, and would really like to. But I don't think a 3- and 4-year old would be hugely appreciated there. And I'm not entirely ready to discuss the topics of poverty and homelessness, other than to tell them that there are children who will not get many Christmas gifts because their families don't have a lot of money to buy gifts. That is simple. To take them to see these families who do not have enough... it is too much for me them right now.

So, what to do?

Question 1: Do I give everyone a list of ideas for the kids?

Questions 1a-1f: Do I give everyone the same list? Do I make a special list just for the in-laws because they buy everything I suggest? Do I make it specific items (e.g. baby doll that pees in diaper, loops and loom)? Or do I make it general items (e.g. dolls, crafts)? Or do I simply tell people what they tend to like (e.g. dressing up, dancing, art)? Do I politely decline to suggest anything at all (e.g. "I'm sure they will love whatever you pick out. There is nothing in particular they need!")

Question 2: Do I dare suggest, or even request, that the grandparents give only one gift per child?

Questions 2a-2h: Would this be rude and/or unappreciative? Would they balk at it? Would it just create unhappiness? In the case of the grandparents with other grandchildren, will they freak out over feeling they are giving too much to the other kids? Would they feel they had to then get all grandchildren only one gift? If not, would my kids notice that their cousins got "more"? Would I be able to explain that I didn't want our family to get too many gifts because we don't need things? Would that make others in my family uncomfortable?

Question 3: Could I apply any of the above policies to myself and Mike?

Question 3a: See above. Repeat angst.

Question 4: Should I just shut up and keep the peace? Let the gift orgy go on, despite my discomfort with the whole thing?