Now, I'm not such a fan of the ride I've been on. Every day, both Anna and I are changing.
This is what's been happening to Anna:
- she eats solids! "Solid" is a funny word for the liquidy glop we mix out of rice and oatmeal cereals (barley next week!), but apparently it is in fact a solid. The first time we offered her rice cereal was on vacation so we had a whole week to take our time and show her how it's done, but from the moment I held the spoon in front of her face, she opened her mouth wide, smacked her lips down around it, swirled it around in her mouth, swallowed, and then licked her chops and said, "More, please." Oh, and the oatmeal. The oatmeal! She loved the oatmeal. After her first taste, she waved her arms in the air and screamed excitedly, opening her mouth like a starving baby bird. Very cute. But then came the grunting and straining. After two days of oatmeal, she started this terrible groaning in which she sounds like she's trying to give birth. We quickly realized that she was not pooping. But is she trying to poop? We don't know! The solids have so far affected her digestive system minimally- she still has the same pleasant yellow non-stinky poop. It's just that she'll skip a day and then have mounds and mounds and mounds of pleasant yellow non-stinky poop the next day. I am terribly pleased that it doesn't stink up the house. So, is the grunting and straining related to any abdominal distress? She doesn't seem otherwise sick or in pain. Eh, whatever.
- she rolls! From the moment you lay her on her back, she flips onto her belly. It's cute how it's so immediate. And then it's not cute because she smashes her face into the ground and groans because she didn't want to be on her belly. So you turn her onto her back, and she flips onto her belly and then groans. But sometimes she does hang out on her belly for a while, checking things out, perhaps even reaching for a toy. But eventually, she will smash her face into the ground and groan. We really need to teach her to turn herself back over. Oh, she also rolls a little in her sleep if she's not swaddled, and she's taken to sleeping on her side which is so cute I can hardly stand it.
- she is just such a big girl. I don't know how else to describe it. I've started noticing that her development comes in spurts, just like her growth. And in fact, I think these two kinds of spurts happen at different times! Sometimes she's just growing for several weeks or a month, and she's kind of lame and boring then, and sometimes her size doesn't seem to change, but in a matter of weeks she just jumps to a whole new level of babyhood. She is suddenly reaching for everything you have in your hands, as if she wants the remote control so she can pick what we watch (I wonder if she gets sick of Sex and the City? I totally don't), and she reaches for your fork while you eat or the knife while you cook. I suddenly have to pay so much more attention to what I'm doing and what's within her reach. This is so new to me. And when I hold her, she doesn't want to be propped up on my shoulder to look at whatever is behind me. She holds her upper body up and sits on my hip like such a big girl, and she looks at what I'm looking at, or at what I'm doing, as she tries to take over for me. These are not the actions of my teensy little newborn child who is a helpless, motionless lump. These are the actions of a big girl. A big girl who is growing too quickly.
And all of these changes make me very happy. Who doesn't want to see her child getting strong and smart? Who doesn't get so excited when his child pushes her legs so hard she can stand from squatting or so hard she can scoot 6 inches across the floor? Who doesn't yearn for the day her child bubbles with a desperate "Ma-ma?" while intently looking at her?? But at the same time, I don't want to think of her being so independent she pushes away from me, eager to play by herself. I don't want to think of her crawling to wherever she wants (we have completely and totally in every way possible so far ignored the reality of baby-proofing the house). I don't want her to learn to speak and then the next day ask me, "Why does the sun shine? Why is the sun hot? Why is the grass green? Why does Daddy cut the grass? Why do bugs like the grass? Why do worms taste like dirt? Why don't you want me to play in the dirt? Why? Why? Why?" and then the next day ask me, "Why do you care how long I talk on the phone? Why should I tell you who I'm talking to?! Why won't you just leave me alone? Why do you hate me? Why are you trying to ruin my life?!"
Isn't life so bittersweet?
And this is what's been happening with me:
- I have Lucy and Anna three days each week. Lucy's a doll, and together, the two girls are very considerate of me and it's truly not hard to manage them. But it can get pretty lonely talking to two lumps who don't give a shit what you're saying. (But I also recognize the fact that this will be short-lived. See above section about growing up too quickly.)
- I work two evenings each week, and two full days each week. Work is okay. Well, work kind of sucks. I don't hate it, I guess, but I don't really enjoy it either. I'd much rather be with my baby. And I'm not getting all that much from the benefits these days, and it's a constant source of guilt because I feel bad when I'm a work because I'm only there 22.5 hours each week (but who's counting?) and so I'm not carrying my weight. I have a hard time remembering that while I am only working 60% as much as my coworkers, I am also only getting paid 60% as much, so I shouldn't stress about it. They're making almost twice as much as me, so they should assess twice the patients I do. And so. Oh well. But I still feel like the slacker.
- I think about having another baby sometimes. Not like I want one tomorrow, or even 9 months from now. But I want one eventually, and there is so much that has to be accomplished first. We need to be in a position for me to quit work, for us to buy a minivan, and to have the house updated with the necessities. We talk about having a huge addition put on, but that's just going to have to wait until way down the line. We also want new windows. And a new kitchen. But the easiest and probably first thing we'll tackle is carpeting.
All of these things lead to me having roller coaster emotions; one minute I want to quit working and just stay home with Anna and other children, and the next minute I feel like a total failure and I don't want to face the reality of being a full-time stay-at-home mother. I often think that I should just follow my dreams and do what I truly think will make me happy, because this is life, welcome to it, and there are no second chances. Then I often think that I won't really be happy spending 9 hours each day with kids, without any adult interaction. Even once they start talking (which will be fabulous), I will still spend all day answering "Why?" questions and explaining why you can't pull the cats' tails. Try discussing politics or my hopes and dreams with a 2-year old. But then I think that the only reason I get lonely when I'm here all day is because I'm stuck here. I can't drive two babies with our current car (hence the need for a minivan before we can continue procreating), so I never go anywhere. I just want to go to a park, or a store, or anywhere we can just look around and get some fresh air. We could go out and meet people for lunch, or stroll the zoo lazily. And in the parks, I would meet other mothers and talk to them and I'd suddenly have the fabulous network of best girl friends I've always wanted, and life will be perfect. And this is when reality sets in, and I know that life won't be roses if I have a minivan and two more kids to tote around (whether my own or others' kids).
So. Sometimes I think I'll just never be satisfied. I just had a flashback memory of pregnancy when I just wanted to hear the heartbeat, and I'd be satisfied. But I wasn't. And then I just wanted to feel it. And I wasn't satisfied. And I just wanted to see it. And I wasn't satisfied. When will I ever feel like it's enough? I'm waiting for that I-have-arrived feeling that makes you want to strap your body to the front of a cruiseliner and yell, "I'm the king of the world!!"
Sometimes I have flashes of that feeling. When Mike and my daughter are sitting on our front porch with me, and the sun has just set, and a slight breeze causes the gentlest cling from the windchimes, and the crickets are just starting to sing. And Anna's smile, lit by the flickering citronella candle, makes my heart ache, and life just couldn't be better. But then dinner has to be made, and dishes have to be done, and bottles have to be filled...
So I need to jump off the roller coaster and hope I land on an upswing.
