Hell on Earth

I hate Wal-Mart.

I used to love Wal-Mart. When I first came to college, it was so magical to go to this huge place that sold everything you could ever want at dirt-cheap prices. I was there all the time. The layout of the store was imprinted on my brain, and I could find absolutely anything in that store in like 2 minutes. Then, I slowly got sick of the crowds, and the people that shop there, and the people that work there, and then I became socially conscious, and I decided that it's a sin to patronize a business that is so blatantly anti-union and that treats its employees like scum. As far as it putting everyone around it out of business, I'm a little more torn there; I mean, it's terrible, and I hate to see small businesses fail. But I don't know that I blame Wal-Mart or the executives for that. I mean, what should they do? Purposely try to NOT be successful? It may be true that they use courts and aggressively pursue building where they're clearly not welcome, but depending on whose side of the story you believe, I don't know if they're wrong or not. We are a capitalistic country, and if you build it, they will come...... I blame our society and Wal-Mart customers for Wal-Mart putting everyone else out of business.

Okay, back to the topic at hand: I hate Wal-Mart.

I haven't been there in, sheesh, I'm sure at least a year. I haven't made a habit of going for the past, oh, probably 3-4 years, but I've had reason to stop in every now and again when it was, for some reason or another, the most appealing (i.e. only) option. But it really has been a long time since I heard the sounds, smelled the smell, and just, you know, had the experience.

I went there this morning. I was very nervous about going, but we got a gift card, and when you're running low on money and you need lots of new stuff, thirty bucks is thirty bucks!! It was a little after 9AM when I got there, and I was totally taken aback. They've updated our nearest Wal-Mart. The walls were painted a pleasant taupe color, and they had newer, more attractive signs marking sections. As I careened into the store, determined to make quick decisions and get the hell out, I was reminded of why I loved Wal-Mart so many years ago. My God, is there anything they don't have?! And it's all so cheap!! It's just got such a monstrous selection. There is WAY more stuff there than is available at, say, Target. It's seriously like a Best Buy, Michael's, Target, and Lowe's all in one. The home improvement section just blows Target out of the water. They have fabrics and baskets and fake flowers and yarn and all kinds of great things.

I'm not sure why I'm focusing on what makes it so great.

Anyhow, so for a while, I was totally tempted to come back around and just shop at Wal-Mart again to simplify my life. I wandered around, checking everything out, marveling at the offerings. And then wandering around got old. They didn't really have what I wanted to buy. So I was trying desperately to come up with things to buy to use up the $30 and get out. I found two little bottles I wanted, and a pair of baby nail clippers, and I found shower poofs, and then I started thinking of things that it'd be good to buy. Like a big tub of Oxiclean. And a roller shade and valance for the nursery. And some A&D since I had a $1 off coupon. But every single one of these things was on the opposite end of the abyss of a store. I went back and forth, back and forth, back and forth. I must have walked a mile and a half or two miles in Wal-Mart. Finally, oh finally!, I was finished. I made my way to the front of the store. There was one cashier open, and 4 self check-outs open. There was a monster line at the one cashier (it was nearing 11AM by now), but only one or two people at each of the self check-outs. So I got behind a lady who was almost done checking out her stuff. And after a few minutes, I figured out what was going on. All four of the self check-outs were waiting for someone to come press some button to make it work again. I waited patiently, and there was one poor white-haired woman working all four of these check-outs, and she peered carefully at the screen for a while, pressed a couple buttons, moved a couple items, peered at the screen some more, and pressed another button.... she had no clue how to use the machines. But I continued to wait patiently, because I didn't want to go stand in the big line. And she finally came to help the lady in front of me, and she scanned some coupon, peered at the screen for a while, and then pressed a button, and then my lady could resume, so the white-haired clerk went on to the next waiting self-checker, and my lady swiped her card, and the machine beeped and buzzed and then announced, "Please wait. Assistance is on the way." #$@%*#!! So we waited. And waited. And the white-haired lady came back, peered at the screen, and pressed a button, and peered at the screen some more, and then my lady could pay and holy shit it was my turn!!

So I swiped my things. It was harder to swipe than at the grocery store. The computer was really slow, and froze between each item, as it thought about what it weighed in the bagging area. But I carefully and patiently swiped each one, and deliberately placed it in the bag, and I knew that I was smarter than this machine. And finally I swiped the Oxiclean, but the machine didn't like that because it was too big for the bagging area, so someone who worked there had to come confirm that I was placing it in my cart. Apparently. So I went on and swiped my coupons, one of which required assistance. So I stood there. And stood there. And stood, while the two other people checking themselves out stood there, waiting for the white-haired lady, as the white-haired lady helped the fourth person checking himself out... And I looked around, and looked around, and tapped my foot, and looked around, and I saw a yellow sign above the check-out I was using, and it said YOU CANNOT USE TWO PAYMENT METHODS AT THIS CHECK-OUT. And I thought, "Well, shit, they're not going to let me pay with a gift card and then put the remainder on my debit card. F%@k me."

So I hit the cancel all items button. And it said 'OK to cancel all items?' And I clicked 'yes,' and it announced, "Please wait. Assistance is on the way." And I was like "Yeah right!!" and I walked away from the counter. And I went to the big, l-o-n-g line to be checked out. And it moved like molasses. I remember Wal-Mart being very wham-bam-thank-you-ma'am when it came to checking out. The lines may have been long, but they didn't mess around when taking your money. This was not like that. But other than it taking like forever and a day, it was uneventful. I got checked out, and I left, and I vowed to never go again.

This was a really long, stupid post, and I'm sorry. But maybe this speaks to the misery of my life right now--not that my life is so miserable, but I am miserable. I act miserable, I feel miserable, and I feel bad for Mike. But mostly I just hate Wal-Mart.