The path to nowhere

My life is very different now than it was a year ago.  And yet so much is exactly the same.

The girls have grown up so much since we moved.  It is remarkable to me, and maybe it is just because they are older, or maybe it is because we have all changed , allowing them to be more confident, or mature, or maybe it is because of their new neighbor friend, a big, bold Kindergartener.  They have found independence and freedom that they, or I, never knew existed.

I have become a more pleasant person, I think.  I have reevaluated what is really important.  I have changed what I will let upset me, and I have realized the value in taking care of myself, and doing what I want to do instead of sitting around moping because no one seemed to care about what I wanted to do.

Mike has changed, over and over and over again.  He has gone up and down, from trauma to, uh, not trauma, quite a few times.  He's seen a small handful of doctors, specialists, and other health care workers, including his primary care doctor, our marriage counselor, a psychiatrist, a psychologist, a headache specialist, and a surgeon.    He is hurt that I don't feel everything is exactly as it should be.

We are still having a lot of trouble communicating.  It is better--much, much better--and yet, I don't feel that we are better.  I have been increasingly upset, feeling like I can't go on like this, even though everything is... fine.  I guess it's fine.  Except that I am waiting for the bottom to fall out.

I am upset because I feel that there are only two roads from here, and I don't even get to choose which one we take.  One road continues, more or less unchanging, and doesn't really go anywhere.  The other road ends at happiness, or fulfillment, or peace, but it has very rough terrain, and valleys so deep and rocky that I'm not sure we will survive the trip.  And yet, I want to be on my way somewhere.  I want to try to get to the end of the road, difficulties be damned.  But, here I am, continuing on the path to nowhere, powerless to change our course.