We were at the mall today for the first time in a really, really long time. We pretty much never go to malls, except for in January to make a few gift exchanges or returns. The girls really like the mall, though. And it's a reasonably fun place to be in the wintertime; there are interesting stores and things to see, and there is a playspace.
Today, as the girls tumbled joyously over the lame climbers, I had the most delightful memory of something Emmy did as a baby, or maybe as a toddler, or maybe it was something Anna did, but I really think it was something Emmy did. I have already forgotten what it was. That breaks my heart. I'm sure I'll remember it again someday, but if I don't write it down, I will think of it less and less frequently, and then it will disappear forever. I never really notice when the kids grow out of doing certain little things they do regularly, little idiosyncrasies, until they have vanished completely, and I can hardly remember what it was like... like how Anna used to hum while she ate. Or maybe you'd call it moaning. She always hummed, "Mmmmmmmm.... mmmmmmmm.....mmmmmmmmmm" while she ate. Some people were amused by this, some thought it was weird. I adored it. Cherished it. And then she stopped.
But here's a pleasant memory of Emmy, since I have written next to nothing about her childhood. Over Christmas this past year, she was just starting to sing the alphabet. She was really good at the first 5 letters, decent at the remaining first half, and then she just basically "bleh-bluh-bla-bla-bla" through the end. But, every single time she got to the L-M-N-O-P string, she would rapidly thrust out her little tongue for each letter. So cute. It's hard to describe in writing, but now when I read this, whether five years from now or twenty, I will remember. And I will be able to demonstrate. To her first boyfriend.
Emmy is a totally amazing person. Amazing to me, anyhow, because she's so foreign. Anna is such an open book to me that nothing she says or does really surprises me. I know how she's feeling at any given moment and I know when she needs more love, or more space, or more yelling, because she is pretty much me, reincarnated. But with Emmy, I do not know what makes her tick. She marches to the beat of her own drummer for sure, and she is so passionate and strong and, well, amazing, for it. She is so loving and adoring, snuggly and intimate. And then she is so independent and stubborn, angry and spiteful. She is in a phase of acting out, whether hitting, biting, spitting, or screaming 6 inches from my head, but when she sees my reaction, she stops instantaneously, sometimes hand still in the air, before she could bring it down, and she cocks her head to the side, her curls softly falling off her shoulders, and says, "Sorry, Mama," and spreads her arms open for a hug. (Actually, it sounds like, "Sawwy, Mummah.") Sometimes I think she is acting out for the attention. It's one way to be guaranteed a hug. Sigh. Classic second child. She doesn't get enough of our attention, and that makes me feel sad. And guilty. But she doesn't seem to want as much attention as Anna always has. She often wants to play alone. When she goes into her playroom, if I poke my head in to see what she's doing, she's usually furiously stirring a toy spoon in a toy bowl, or she's gently rocking and shushing her baby to sleep, and she whisks me out of the room. "Go! Go, mama, alone!"
It is a welcome development that the girls can, and want to, play alone. But it is bittersweet. Someday they won't want me to play with them at all. And then someday they just won't play anymore at all. And they will roll their eyes at me and how stupid I can be. (Well, Anna already does that.)
Sunday, January 24, 2010
Thursday, January 14, 2010
Happy New Year!
My favorite holiday photo from this year.
Some other fun ones:
"Strike a pose!"
"Make a funny face!"
"Say cheese!"
Hanging in there!
For the longest time, I couldn't even figure out how to log on to Blogger so I could post. But now, I have returned.
So, let's see, what's going on in our lives?
Emmy is 2 now. She's a "monkey," loves trains, dressing up, playing with Disney dolls and Little People, dancing, and books. Oh, the books. This is a new thing. She can sit through some pretty advanced books, like The Little Engine That Could, Is Your Mama a Llama?, and even a Sweet Pickles book! She dances to any music she hears like it's her job. She recently danced on a ladder by bopping her head (think of those obnoxious club-hopping guys from mid-90's SNL.) To Who Let the Dogs Out. Wearing nothing but a bra (sigh, long story). (At Grandma and Grandpa's house. Who is surprised?? Not I.)
Anna is nearing 4. One drama du jour is deciding what kind of a birthday party to give her. Her classmates have had some big parties where everyone is invited. She wants this. And at her school, if you invite anyone in the classroom (that is, if invites are given out AT school), you have to invite all. You are allowed to send invites privatly to only some children, if you are friends outside of school, but I don't know any of these children or parents, really. And I wouldn't want Anna to choose who she liked best to invite. And Anna doesn't have any friends outside of school. Which breaks my heart. We are just too busy to have playdates, or to have our own social lives with other parents, which would mean she'd have little friends in their children. Alas, we have no friends. So she has no friends. Have we addressed this? No. No time.
This is such a bigger issue than a silly birthday party.... the poor girls spend nearly 50 hours per week at daycare. That is their lives! We (or Mike... will get to this later) pick them up by 5:00, hopefully leave school by 5:10, and hopefully get home by 5:45. Then cook, cook, cook!, eat, eat, eat!, hurry up, hurry up, hurry up!, "it's getting late!", maybe a bath, read some stories, get to sleep! Quick! It's late! We rarely play on weeknights. They might play a little while we cook, or maybe watch a video, but we don't play with them. We are lucky if they are in bed by 7:45 and that's only because we can't move any faster. Then we wake them up at 6:00AM to do it all again. Really, they should be in bed closer to 7:00, so we should be upstairs at 6:45 at the latest, but it's just not possible. They probably need more sleep than we can allow them to have. Anna always looks so weak, so tired, sort of sallow. We have wondered whether she has some breathing problems at night, or any sleep apnea, and she should probably see the ENT doctor again. (Girls both got bilateral ear tubes in March 2009!) Anna's PCP thinks her tonsils are pretty damned big for her little throat, and the PCP herself had hers removed as a teen and often wondered why her parents hadn't done it sooner; she now looks back on her childhood and thinks that she never slept well and was a very docile child because of it. So, clearly, we should look into this for Anna. Have we? No. No time. (See above. And below.)
And for me. I am in school. I am completing prerequisites for a post-baccalaureate Pharmacy program at Duquesne. I am taking Organic Chemistry 2 plus lab and a Biology 2 lab this spring, and applying for the PharmD program within the next few days. I am in school two evenings per week and one full weekday. I work four regular days per week. This semester is an immense relief from last semester, in which I worked full time and took Organic 1 and Physics. I survived. That is about all I can say about last semester. So, I am busy. I often feel resentful that I have so much to do, and I wonder what other adults do with their time. They must watch a lot of television. Or have hobbies or something. But it is my fault that I am doing this at this point in my life. I could have (should have!) done it when I was 22, like everyone else in the world. But I was lazy. I was not motivated. I had no concept of what life would cost and just how shitty a $30,000/year pay is. And so now I am fighting with everything in me to do more. For my kids. For Mike. For my own fucking bathroom, because I just can't share with these girls much longer. They are already in my shit. What will I do when they start aquiring their own shit? And still getting in mine?!
And so there's Mike. Poor Mike. Everyone is suffering for my choice to do this schooling now. I am suffering, the girls are suffering, but Mike is suffering. He's part single parent, part co-parent, and no part grown man with a life of his own. I sometimes try to remind myself that I don't have a life of my own either, but in reality, I do have school. I have something that I'm doing. I'm moving forward. I'm learning things and exploring the world. I'm not stuck at home halving grapes, wiping asses, reading to both girls at the same time, trying to figure out how to get them to sleep all on my own. But he does it with such skill. He is an amazingly talented father. But it has taken its toll on him. He hasn't been himself, and I would give anything to find a way to put him back to the way he was. I need to give him a break, but I don't know how. No time.
And now we are panicking. We have decided that we must move before Anna starts Kindergarten. We don't want to be in our school district. We actually have until fall of 2011, so if we have to wait and see if I get into my Pharmacy program and if my job will get additional funding and how life unfolds, we will. If I don't get into my program, and/or if my job loses all funding, maybe we'll move sooner. Or maybe later. I guess we'll see how life unfolds, no matter what.
We do have each other, and we are a powerful little group. There is an overwhelming love spilling out when we are all together, almost palpable. When we scoop up the girls and dance, or when we enjoy a four-way kiss, I know that we'll be just fine no matter what happens.
So, let's see, what's going on in our lives?
Emmy is 2 now. She's a "monkey," loves trains, dressing up, playing with Disney dolls and Little People, dancing, and books. Oh, the books. This is a new thing. She can sit through some pretty advanced books, like The Little Engine That Could, Is Your Mama a Llama?, and even a Sweet Pickles book! She dances to any music she hears like it's her job. She recently danced on a ladder by bopping her head (think of those obnoxious club-hopping guys from mid-90's SNL.) To Who Let the Dogs Out. Wearing nothing but a bra (sigh, long story). (At Grandma and Grandpa's house. Who is surprised?? Not I.)
Anna is nearing 4. One drama du jour is deciding what kind of a birthday party to give her. Her classmates have had some big parties where everyone is invited. She wants this. And at her school, if you invite anyone in the classroom (that is, if invites are given out AT school), you have to invite all. You are allowed to send invites privatly to only some children, if you are friends outside of school, but I don't know any of these children or parents, really. And I wouldn't want Anna to choose who she liked best to invite. And Anna doesn't have any friends outside of school. Which breaks my heart. We are just too busy to have playdates, or to have our own social lives with other parents, which would mean she'd have little friends in their children. Alas, we have no friends. So she has no friends. Have we addressed this? No. No time.
This is such a bigger issue than a silly birthday party.... the poor girls spend nearly 50 hours per week at daycare. That is their lives! We (or Mike... will get to this later) pick them up by 5:00, hopefully leave school by 5:10, and hopefully get home by 5:45. Then cook, cook, cook!, eat, eat, eat!, hurry up, hurry up, hurry up!, "it's getting late!", maybe a bath, read some stories, get to sleep! Quick! It's late! We rarely play on weeknights. They might play a little while we cook, or maybe watch a video, but we don't play with them. We are lucky if they are in bed by 7:45 and that's only because we can't move any faster. Then we wake them up at 6:00AM to do it all again. Really, they should be in bed closer to 7:00, so we should be upstairs at 6:45 at the latest, but it's just not possible. They probably need more sleep than we can allow them to have. Anna always looks so weak, so tired, sort of sallow. We have wondered whether she has some breathing problems at night, or any sleep apnea, and she should probably see the ENT doctor again. (Girls both got bilateral ear tubes in March 2009!) Anna's PCP thinks her tonsils are pretty damned big for her little throat, and the PCP herself had hers removed as a teen and often wondered why her parents hadn't done it sooner; she now looks back on her childhood and thinks that she never slept well and was a very docile child because of it. So, clearly, we should look into this for Anna. Have we? No. No time. (See above. And below.)
And for me. I am in school. I am completing prerequisites for a post-baccalaureate Pharmacy program at Duquesne. I am taking Organic Chemistry 2 plus lab and a Biology 2 lab this spring, and applying for the PharmD program within the next few days. I am in school two evenings per week and one full weekday. I work four regular days per week. This semester is an immense relief from last semester, in which I worked full time and took Organic 1 and Physics. I survived. That is about all I can say about last semester. So, I am busy. I often feel resentful that I have so much to do, and I wonder what other adults do with their time. They must watch a lot of television. Or have hobbies or something. But it is my fault that I am doing this at this point in my life. I could have (should have!) done it when I was 22, like everyone else in the world. But I was lazy. I was not motivated. I had no concept of what life would cost and just how shitty a $30,000/year pay is. And so now I am fighting with everything in me to do more. For my kids. For Mike. For my own fucking bathroom, because I just can't share with these girls much longer. They are already in my shit. What will I do when they start aquiring their own shit? And still getting in mine?!
And so there's Mike. Poor Mike. Everyone is suffering for my choice to do this schooling now. I am suffering, the girls are suffering, but Mike is suffering. He's part single parent, part co-parent, and no part grown man with a life of his own. I sometimes try to remind myself that I don't have a life of my own either, but in reality, I do have school. I have something that I'm doing. I'm moving forward. I'm learning things and exploring the world. I'm not stuck at home halving grapes, wiping asses, reading to both girls at the same time, trying to figure out how to get them to sleep all on my own. But he does it with such skill. He is an amazingly talented father. But it has taken its toll on him. He hasn't been himself, and I would give anything to find a way to put him back to the way he was. I need to give him a break, but I don't know how. No time.
And now we are panicking. We have decided that we must move before Anna starts Kindergarten. We don't want to be in our school district. We actually have until fall of 2011, so if we have to wait and see if I get into my Pharmacy program and if my job will get additional funding and how life unfolds, we will. If I don't get into my program, and/or if my job loses all funding, maybe we'll move sooner. Or maybe later. I guess we'll see how life unfolds, no matter what.
We do have each other, and we are a powerful little group. There is an overwhelming love spilling out when we are all together, almost palpable. When we scoop up the girls and dance, or when we enjoy a four-way kiss, I know that we'll be just fine no matter what happens.