Hanging in there!

For the longest time, I couldn't even figure out how to log on to Blogger so I could post. But now, I have returned.

So, let's see, what's going on in our lives?

Emmy is 2 now. She's a "monkey," loves trains, dressing up, playing with Disney dolls and Little People, dancing, and books. Oh, the books. This is a new thing. She can sit through some pretty advanced books, like The Little Engine That Could, Is Your Mama a Llama?, and even a Sweet Pickles book! She dances to any music she hears like it's her job. She recently danced on a ladder by bopping her head (think of those obnoxious club-hopping guys from mid-90's SNL.) To Who Let the Dogs Out. Wearing nothing but a bra (sigh, long story). (At Grandma and Grandpa's house. Who is surprised?? Not I.)

Anna is nearing 4. One drama du jour is deciding what kind of a birthday party to give her. Her classmates have had some big parties where everyone is invited. She wants this. And at her school, if you invite anyone in the classroom (that is, if invites are given out AT school), you have to invite all. You are allowed to send invites privatly to only some children, if you are friends outside of school, but I don't know any of these children or parents, really. And I wouldn't want Anna to choose who she liked best to invite. And Anna doesn't have any friends outside of school. Which breaks my heart. We are just too busy to have playdates, or to have our own social lives with other parents, which would mean she'd have little friends in their children. Alas, we have no friends. So she has no friends. Have we addressed this? No. No time.

This is such a bigger issue than a silly birthday party.... the poor girls spend nearly 50 hours per week at daycare. That is their lives! We (or Mike... will get to this later) pick them up by 5:00, hopefully leave school by 5:10, and hopefully get home by 5:45. Then cook, cook, cook!, eat, eat, eat!, hurry up, hurry up, hurry up!, "it's getting late!", maybe a bath, read some stories, get to sleep! Quick! It's late! We rarely play on weeknights. They might play a little while we cook, or maybe watch a video, but we don't play with them. We are lucky if they are in bed by 7:45 and that's only because we can't move any faster. Then we wake them up at 6:00AM to do it all again. Really, they should be in bed closer to 7:00, so we should be upstairs at 6:45 at the latest, but it's just not possible. They probably need more sleep than we can allow them to have. Anna always looks so weak, so tired, sort of sallow. We have wondered whether she has some breathing problems at night, or any sleep apnea, and she should probably see the ENT doctor again. (Girls both got bilateral ear tubes in March 2009!) Anna's PCP thinks her tonsils are pretty damned big for her little throat, and the PCP herself had hers removed as a teen and often wondered why her parents hadn't done it sooner; she now looks back on her childhood and thinks that she never slept well and was a very docile child because of it. So, clearly, we should look into this for Anna. Have we? No. No time. (See above. And below.)

And for me. I am in school. I am completing prerequisites for a post-baccalaureate Pharmacy program at Duquesne. I am taking Organic Chemistry 2 plus lab and a Biology 2 lab this spring, and applying for the PharmD program within the next few days. I am in school two evenings per week and one full weekday. I work four regular days per week. This semester is an immense relief from last semester, in which I worked full time and took Organic 1 and Physics. I survived. That is about all I can say about last semester. So, I am busy. I often feel resentful that I have so much to do, and I wonder what other adults do with their time. They must watch a lot of television. Or have hobbies or something. But it is my fault that I am doing this at this point in my life. I could have (should have!) done it when I was 22, like everyone else in the world. But I was lazy. I was not motivated. I had no concept of what life would cost and just how shitty a $30,000/year pay is. And so now I am fighting with everything in me to do more. For my kids. For Mike. For my own fucking bathroom, because I just can't share with these girls much longer. They are already in my shit. What will I do when they start aquiring their own shit? And still getting in mine?!

And so there's Mike. Poor Mike. Everyone is suffering for my choice to do this schooling now. I am suffering, the girls are suffering, but Mike is suffering. He's part single parent, part co-parent, and no part grown man with a life of his own. I sometimes try to remind myself that I don't have a life of my own either, but in reality, I do have school. I have something that I'm doing. I'm moving forward. I'm learning things and exploring the world. I'm not stuck at home halving grapes, wiping asses, reading to both girls at the same time, trying to figure out how to get them to sleep all on my own. But he does it with such skill. He is an amazingly talented father. But it has taken its toll on him. He hasn't been himself, and I would give anything to find a way to put him back to the way he was. I need to give him a break, but I don't know how. No time.

And now we are panicking. We have decided that we must move before Anna starts Kindergarten. We don't want to be in our school district. We actually have until fall of 2011, so if we have to wait and see if I get into my Pharmacy program and if my job will get additional funding and how life unfolds, we will. If I don't get into my program, and/or if my job loses all funding, maybe we'll move sooner. Or maybe later. I guess we'll see how life unfolds, no matter what.

We do have each other, and we are a powerful little group. There is an overwhelming love spilling out when we are all together, almost palpable. When we scoop up the girls and dance, or when we enjoy a four-way kiss, I know that we'll be just fine no matter what happens.